number one.

mixture of emotions. mixtures of me. tell the thoughts to wonder, just go, let me be. summer sun shines. dark rain falls. everyday is a new one, but that feeling always calls. am i doing right, or am i doing wrong? my mind always wonders, the lame old same song. awkward moments, unspeakable reasons. the answer is always the same, but i change it with the seasons. forgive me my dear, the words wont come out. just know I always love you, honey, with that there's no doubt.

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wondering

          I hate moments like this. moments when you feel lonely, and everything is going wrong. moments when you feel like your failing... failing at being a parent, failing at everything.... I've taken the parenting classes, gotten therapy, but it still feels the same sometimes. I know its just an off day, but it doesn't make me hate it any less.
          I feel lost sometimes... like I have no idea what I'm doing. Sometimes its true, I don't have any idea. I'm a control freak, and have OCD, I totally hate not knowing.
          I beat myself up, I know that. I know logically that I'm not failing, and that today is just a very bad day, but I can't help it. I feel like everything that has gone wrong is my fault.... I feel judged by actions of others, like their behavior is on me. Or I feel like others think I want attention or sympathy when I explain how I feel.... that's not the truth at all. My heart hurts, and I'm too scared to explain it in person. This blog is a life saver.
          I know I ramble on and I'm all over the place, but I'm writing as I'm thinking.... I'm just writing it all out so I can make sense of it. It's so hard to talk in person because I think I sound nuts.
          I am lonely. I love when people come to see me. I love having someone to talk to during the day, and thankful for the time spent with others. I spend all day looking at the clock, waiting for J to come home. Is that pathetic? Maybe, but its something I look forward to. Hopefully no one gets scared away. Hopefully I don't push people away like I'm famous for. All my friends I've lost.
          I am so thankful for J. He's always there for me. My rock, my night in shining armor... Sometimes I dont know how he does it all, or how he deals with all of me.
Sometimes I wonder what I have done with my life. I had so many dreams and hope, and I let myself get the best of me. Now i'm here trying to figure out the pieces. I don't think I know who I really am, or who i want to be.... just another thing that I'm unsure of. Frustration..... Confusion.... Ugh.
          I put too much on my own shoulders. I know that. But only I can change things, only I can change my life.
          dijcoecoubcohdbcouhg fkkhsaiehderbfnlkaued. <-------- Thats how my brain feels at the moment. so scrambled.