number one.

mixture of emotions. mixtures of me. tell the thoughts to wonder, just go, let me be. summer sun shines. dark rain falls. everyday is a new one, but that feeling always calls. am i doing right, or am i doing wrong? my mind always wonders, the lame old same song. awkward moments, unspeakable reasons. the answer is always the same, but i change it with the seasons. forgive me my dear, the words wont come out. just know I always love you, honey, with that there's no doubt.

GIVEAWAY TIME!!!

Woo Hoo! I am hosting a giveaway! Follow me on Twitter to enter to win an envelope of coupons!!! Click on the Rafflecopter below!

GIVEAWAY CLOSED!!!! WINNER ANNOUNCMENT SOON!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

wondering

          I hate moments like this. moments when you feel lonely, and everything is going wrong. moments when you feel like your failing... failing at being a parent, failing at everything.... I've taken the parenting classes, gotten therapy, but it still feels the same sometimes. I know its just an off day, but it doesn't make me hate it any less.
          I feel lost sometimes... like I have no idea what I'm doing. Sometimes its true, I don't have any idea. I'm a control freak, and have OCD, I totally hate not knowing.
          I beat myself up, I know that. I know logically that I'm not failing, and that today is just a very bad day, but I can't help it. I feel like everything that has gone wrong is my fault.... I feel judged by actions of others, like their behavior is on me. Or I feel like others think I want attention or sympathy when I explain how I feel.... that's not the truth at all. My heart hurts, and I'm too scared to explain it in person. This blog is a life saver.
          I know I ramble on and I'm all over the place, but I'm writing as I'm thinking.... I'm just writing it all out so I can make sense of it. It's so hard to talk in person because I think I sound nuts.
          I am lonely. I love when people come to see me. I love having someone to talk to during the day, and thankful for the time spent with others. I spend all day looking at the clock, waiting for J to come home. Is that pathetic? Maybe, but its something I look forward to. Hopefully no one gets scared away. Hopefully I don't push people away like I'm famous for. All my friends I've lost.
          I am so thankful for J. He's always there for me. My rock, my night in shining armor... Sometimes I dont know how he does it all, or how he deals with all of me.
Sometimes I wonder what I have done with my life. I had so many dreams and hope, and I let myself get the best of me. Now i'm here trying to figure out the pieces. I don't think I know who I really am, or who i want to be.... just another thing that I'm unsure of. Frustration..... Confusion.... Ugh.
          I put too much on my own shoulders. I know that. But only I can change things, only I can change my life.
          dijcoecoubcohdbcouhg fkkhsaiehderbfnlkaued. <-------- Thats how my brain feels at the moment. so scrambled.

Maybelline Better Skin Powder: Influenster Review

Maybelline Better Skin Powder: Influenster Review

Influenster has been amazing once again!! This time I got a box with this lovely gem inside. The new Maybelline Superstay Better Skin Powder.

Inside this package is a side of powder, a sponge, and a mirror. I love the sponge. It works great! you can apply as much of the powder you want with the little, thick sponge. The mirror is super helpful as well. You can apply anywhere, and on-the-go. The powder was great! It applied so easily, and covered all my imperfections... it was a matte look, which I love. I was so surprised with how well it covered everything. Usually I cant get powders to apply well. This make-up is fantastic, and it comes in 4 different shades... Go find yours now! 

I received Maybelline Better Skin products complimentary, but all opinions are my own.

Coming Soon...

Hello All!
 I know I have been neglecting the site a little bit... so much craziness has been going on. I am planning on updating the site, and posting more! Stay tuned!!

Host A Healthy Baby Home Party for Seventh Generation!

What is a Healthy Baby Home Party? 

Seventh Generation's home parties are powered by people like you who are focused on creating a healthy environment for the next generation. Developed with input from non-profit partner, Healthy Child Healthy World, they are a great way to get together with friends, share helpful information, and make an impact!

Healthy Baby Home Party kits are provided to all selected hosts and are filled with educational info about our environment, helpful tips, a fun game, and samples and coupons from Seventh Generation and other favorite family-friendly brands like bobble, Plum Organics and Zarbee's Naturals.

What is the Application Process?

• Sign up at generationgood.net to join the Generation Good community, or log in if already a member.
• Accept the Healthy Baby Home Party Application offer on your Generation Good dashboard and complete the application.
• Applicants will be notified by end of March if they have been selected to host a party, via an email to the email address assigned to their Generation Good member profile.
• All selected applicants will then need to confirm their participation by accepting the Healthy Baby Home Party Mission in Generation Good and confirming their shipping address.
• 1,900 FREE Party Kits will be distributed in this round.
• Hosting spots are open to US residents only at this time. Canadian parties are planned for later in 2016!
• Full terms and conditions are available within Generation Good in the "Healthy Baby Home Party Application" offer.

I have hosted a Healthy Baby Home Party three times and I love it! The kit was full of samples from many different brands, fun games, and fantastic prizes! I learned a ton of important information, and had a blast with friends!! I recommend applying to everyone! Its a great FREE party you don't want to miss!! 
I also incorporated the Baby Home Party with my baby shower. We had a great time!! It was so perfect! I used some of the items i received with this kit as prizes for baby shower games, and had goodies for everyone to enjoy!

Trouble, Trouble....

What do you do when you're in trouble? Ask for help? Be defiant and fight the consequences? Accept the punishment? Man I wish I knew.

Today is exhausting... trouble after trouble. Problems I have no idea how to solve, and problems that fight against everything I try to do. Problems that are no big deal in my eye, and major issues to others. Problems that make me so frustrated I cry. I don't know what to do...

Ask for help? There's no way to help. No way to change the way things are. Nothing I can do except face it. Can I fight it? Nope. Can't do that either. That would just cause more problems....
Accept it? Thats the only option left, and as much as I get frustrated its the only choice I have.

I accept all of it. Its just hard to get through it. Emotionally and physically exhausting. It makes me lonely too... and bad about myself. What a lovely combination huh.

Im lonely, but theres nothing that can be done about that either. I try to fill the loneliness... It makes me forget for a little bit, but then its back. I should have made more friends... I should have, i should have, i should have... Family is no help in this department either. I tried but i'm am done being let down.

Feeling bad about myself... well thats because I should be stronger to deal with everything with a level head. problems that shouldn't be problems, may not even be an issue if i could chill out. My heart is breaking because i feel like everything is blowing up and im trying to keep it together but im failing. My mind creates frustration. Am I doing things right? What should I do? How do I deal with this? Uggghhh an endless battle.

Im so lost... im so lost... im so lost. Its so hard, and i hate not being able to figure it out.

Maya Rudolph for Seventh Generation!

Maya Rudolph for Seventh Generation!

Maya Rudolph, actress from many great movies like Bridesmaids, is in a few hilarious commercials for Seventh Generation. She expresses her love for their products in hilarious ways! In one of the videos she explains that Tampons and Pads for women do not need all those fancy additives like deodorants and fragrances.... Then the companies do not tell you what ingredients and additives they have in the tampons or pads. You have the right to know what you are using for your body. Seventh Generation is on a campaign to make these businesses #ComeClean about their ingredients.

Check out this hilarious video here! 

#ComeClean with Seventh Generation!!

#ComeClean with Seventh Generation!!

Do you love coupons? I do!! If you do too, Seventh Generation has some great coupons out right now. All you have to do is join their online community, Generation Good. 

Why should you join? Well, just for joining you will get a coupon booklet with lovely coupons!! Then, as a member of their community, you will get chances to sample Seventh Generation products, and learn all about their company. I have been a member for over a year and I love it. I have received full size bottles of detergent, tons of samples, and have had the opportunity to host Baby Parties sponsored by Seventh Generation! Best of all? YOU GET ALL THIS FOR FREE! Never pay anything for all the opportunities you receive! 

What are you waiting for? Are you ready to #ComeClean with Seventh Generation? Go sign up! You won't regret it! 

Click Here: Sign up to join Seventh Generation's Generation Good!

My #SproutVoxBox from Influenster!!

My #SproutVoxBox from Influenster!!

A couple weeks ago I received another fantastic box from Influenster!!

This one was called the Sprout VoxBox and was full of products perfect for Spring! It contained sample sizes of Hair Food Shampoo and Conditioner, Ecos Laundry Detergent, Orgain Protein Drink, and a full sized bag of Eat Smart Chips and a full Curate Bar.

Hair Food:

I have tried Hair Food Leave-In products before, but not the shampoo/conditioner, so I was very excited to use these! 

The scent of both products was great! Very clean, and lightly fruity. The shampoo lathered well, and was easy to rinse. The conditioner was soo soft, and also easy to rinse. After using the products, I let my hair air dry, and surprisingly my hair was less frizzy, and was very pretty. I have naturally wavy hair, so my hair is always an issue. Its usually thick, frizzy, and all over the place. These products helped out tremendously. 

Ecos Laundry Detergent:

This was a simple laundry detergent, that cleaned very well. Super light scent, and perfect for everyone. It won't harm your skin!! I used this confidently on my newborn daughters clothes, and never had a problem. worked perfectly!! 

Orgain Protein:

I am very picky when it comes to protein drinks. Its hard for me to find drinks that I like, that do not have the chalky, thick, overpowering taste. Surprisingly, I really liked this protein drink. It didnt taste too weird, and it filled me up after drinking it... Definitely did its job. I wouldnt say it gave me energy after drinking, but I was not hungry for sometime afterwords. The vanilla flavor tasted great as well!!

Eat Smart Chips:

These were my absolute favorite out of the whole box. They were delicious!!! The chip was thin, yet very crunchy, and the Black Bean flavor was strong, but not too strong... Just right. It left an awesome after taste as well. Not bland, not dry. Yummy chips for sure.

Curate Bar:

This was an interesting snack bar. I loved the flavor choice, and the healthy aspects... but the bar itself was a little too thick and hard to eat. It had a plain taste, and was a little chalky to me. I wouldn't purchase this frequently, but maybe as a once in a while super healthy snack.

Anti Third Trimester Pregnancy Depression/Disappointment

Oh Brain.... how I love you....
Especially my pregnant brain....
That is currently an emotional wreck from decreasing and increasing anti-depressants....
And that is overflowing with anxiety because I'm about to push out a baby...

Am I ready?
Can I handle it?
Why am I so mean?
Am I a bad mom?
Why do I feel like I am, and that I am doing everything wrong?
Am I a failure? People have babies and have other kids all the time and seem to handle it....
Why is basically every word that comes out of my mouth bitchy?
Is it because I'm moody, or am I just a bad bitchy person?
Why does my heart hurt?

These are just some of the questions that run through my mind daily.... I just can't win. When I think I finally got a handle on things, BAM. I get slapped with reality. Especially right now, I'm in a boxing match with myself... and feel like I'm getting knocked out. I'm sad because I'm sad. I'm worried because how much can other people handle me, when I cant handle myself. My worst fear is everyone leaving... and I'm feeling like I'm forcing it to eventually happen. I'm frustrated because I can't do everything normally. I can't function it seems like... I'm tired, I'm huge... I;m disappointed in myself because I should be sucking it up, and dealing with it. I alone am making all this chaos and emotions come out. I'm sorry because I upset everyone... Even if you don't show it, I feel it. I know... and I'm sorry.

Should I just act like everything is okay? I feel like its just the same old story over and over... How much is too much? Get over it right? I know, I know... Why whine and cry about it over and over. This is what I tell myself every time. So why can't I stop? Its a never ending story with my mind giving me all the wrong answers.

My brain is such a big ball of mess.... and its hurting.... hurting so bad. All I can think of saying is I'm sorry. I don;t really know how else to explain it, or handle it, I just.. I just have no idea.

MOMS MEET REVIEW: Sir Bananas Bananamilk

MOMS MEET REVIEW: Sir Bananas Bananamilk

Moms Meet recently sent the kids and I some coupons to try the NEW Sir Bananas Bananamilk!

Thanks so much Moms Meet! This drink was great! I loved it, and so did my kids! We received a coupon for a FREE carton of regular bananamilk, and another coupon for a FREE carton of chocolate bananamilk! They were both delicious!

The regular bananamilk was great on its own, tasted just like fresh bananas dipped in milk! Sounds great right?! We also used it in our morning cereal for breakfast, and it added a great little extra flavor to the average cereal. I was excited because it was healthy, my kids were excited because it tasted like a treat.

The chocolate variety we only used for drinking alone. It was awesome. It had the perfect amount of banana flavor, and the perfect amount of chocolate flavor. This was my 2 year old son's favorite. He loves anything chocolate! I was more than happy to give this to him because I know exactly whats in it, and that its much better for him than other chocolate milks we have purchased.

At first I was skeptical of bananamilk. I wondered if it tasted weird, or too different... but in reality this beverage in both flavors tasted way better than I would have ever thought. I would recommend it to anyone with kids because I know your kids will love it. If they love milk, and they love bananas, they will absolutely love Sir Bananas Bananamilk!!

Thanks again Moms Meet!! :)

Generation Good: Seventh Generation's Free and Clear Laundry Detergent REVIEW

Generation Good: Seventh Generation's Free and Clear Laundry Detergent REVIEW

Have you head of Seventh Generation? Of course you have!! Its a fabulous brand that makes organic and natural household products! They make everything from dish detergent, to body lotions, to baby diapers. They basically make everything!

I am a member of Seventh Generation's Generation Good Community. I learn about a lot of their different products, and even get to try some. A couple weeks ago they sent me some Seventh Generation Free and Clear Laundry Detergent to try for FREE! Woo hoo, thanks guys!!

This laundry detergent is awesome. Its a plant based formula, so there is no dyes, fragrances, or artificial brighteners. It's absolutely perfect for sensitive skin! Also for being fragrance free, it doesn't smell terrible or plain, it actually has a nice little clean scent.

I used this on my children's clothes for about two weeks. I love it! It worked well on all the stains the kids made, and the clothes were nice, clean, and smelled great. It worked just as well as all the other expensive, chemically filled, bleachy detergents. I am 100% satisfied with the results I'm seeing! I would recommend this detergent to everyone, especially people with allergies or small children. Can't beat it! Thanks Seventh Generation for letting me try it for FREE!!

Fight.

Abusers are always abusers.

Trust me... No matter how much someone seems to have changed, that abuser is still in there.

I am standing up and fighting my abuser. My mental abuser. They put on a show for everyone, acts like they are so great and innocent... Meanwhile they are coming up with a plan in their head, a plan to get back at me, and to "Mr. Nice Guy" their way out of trouble.

Instead of going to court, where they know they will loose, they convince everyone to drop it, and just settle out of court. Get face-to-face with me, their victim. You think you're in the clear... you will be able to manipulate me, and scare me.... get in my head like you did for years. What you don't know is I am different. I won't allow you to do this to me anymore. My child is involved now... so you don't stand a chance. You think you can talk me down, save your ass from going to jail... I won't give in.

You're scared. You didn't follow any of the rules or agreements we settled on. You know you're facing trouble. You think you can always get your way, so you make this plan. I know exactly how you are, so now, I know exactly how to deal with you. I won't back down. You will get what you deserve one way or another. You can't, and you won't control me anymore. Be prepared for a fight.

Tales from this past week...

Oh what a week this was!

My anxiety has been terrible this week.

• Make my boyfriend leave work to go with me to my appointments... Check.
• Cancel my therapy appointment because I was too nervous to leave the house... Check.
• Put off all the phone calls for appointments I need to make because I was to chicken to talk on the phone... Check.

In my anxiety spell I tried to get more online work and house cleaning work done. That worked kinda well, except I'm 23 weeks pregnant and feel like an overfilled beach ball. Baby B, who's name will be Brieah, has decided to pop out this week, causing me to be grumpy and sore. Oh how I love being pregnant... NOT.

The worst night would have had to been Thursday night. I laid in bed, way past my bedtime, and my mind was going nuts.

"Why me?"
"I miss my baby so much, I'm a terrible mother for ripping his life apart like this." (Isaac spent the night at his dads house, my separation anxiety was in full heartbreak mode.)
"How am I going to get through these months of being pregnant? I'm already miserable."
"Holy shit, I'm going to have a baby in a few months." (It sinks in hard sometimes.)
"Why can't I stop thinking and just get over all of this stupidness?"

Basically my mind was being psycho, and its a never ending battle against myself.

This week Isaac was quite the little monster, haha. He is so hyper, and keeps me on my toes. He now knows how to get into the fridge and help himself to anything and everything, and has been super lovey lately. He gives me tons of hugs and kisses all on his own... and I'm loving every bit of it! I soak it all in... before I know it he will be a teenager who's embarrassed by me. Oh man... I don't even want to think about that....

My Mister J has been so helpful with my crazy freak outs. He talks to me all day from work to keep an eye on me. He understands, listens when I'm upset, holds me when I cry, and puts up with my pregnancy mood swings. He's a catch for sure. I sometimes am lost with all of this... Never in my life had I had someone who cares this much. My last relationship damaged me... instead of help, I received judgment, and anger. The worst thing you want to hear when you're depressed is how selfish and weak you are. I have a heard time letting go when I'm upset, just because I'm so used to being let down. Thank you my darling J. I appreciate it more than I could ever show.

In work related news...
No giveaways/prizes have been won by me this week... which is a bummer. I have been increasing my giveaway game though.. so hopefully some wins will come my way.
I did receive a box full of NeilMed products from Mom's Meet. Need a Nasal-Oral Aspirator? I only have about 20 of them that I need to find something to do with, haha.  There's only so many things you can do with these sinus teapots, but hey, thanks Mom's Meet! I love free. :)

Do you have any fun tales from this week? I would love to hear about them!! Tell me below! GO!

INFLUENSTER REVIEW: L'Oreal Paris Advanced Extraordinary Oil Haircare

INFLUENSTER REVIEW: L'Oreal Paris Advanced Extraordinary Oil Haircare

Influenster sent me a new L'Oreal Paris Shampoo, Conditioner, and Serum set to try! I knew this would be perfect for my step-daughters because they have dry, curly, thick hair. 

I used the set on little 5 year old Savannah, and it worked wonders!! The shampoo and conditioner smelled great, was easy to use and rinse, and I was happy with it. While her was still wet, I used the serum all over her hair, and brushed it though. It was very oily on my hands, but looked good in her hair. I let her hair air dry, and the finished hair looked great! All her curls were cute and frizz free (which is hard to accomplish with her very curly hair) and had a wonderful not-too-greasy shine!

I would recommend this set to anyone that has frizzy, unmanageable hair. It does contain oil, so if you have very oily hair don't use it!! It truly does give you #ExtraordinaryHair!

 I received these products complimentary for testing purposes.

CROWDTAP REVIEW: NEW Garnier Whole Blends Shampoo and Conditioner!

CROWDTAP REVIEW: NEW Garnier Whole Blends Shampoo and Conditioner!

The wonderful Crowdtap has once again sent me some awesome new products to try and tell you about!! 

Garnier Whole Blends Shampoo and Conditioner!

The Whole Blends collection comes in three different varieties...

• Coconut Water and Vanilla Milk (Blue)
• Honey Treasures (Light Brown)
• Coconut Oil and Cocoa Butter (Dark brown)

The Coconut Water and Vanilla Milk is a hydrating shampoo and conditioner that quenches and softens hair. It is enriched with a natural blend and is paraben free. It smells great as soon as you open it, a very coconut scent. It is also very creamy and soft to the touch. It felt great in my hair, and was easy to rinse. The conditioner as well was very easy to use. After styling my hair was very soft, and stayed soft all day long. The yummy scent stayed in my hair as well, which is great!!

The Honey Treasures shampoo and conditioner strengthens and repairs damaged hair. It is also made with a natural blend and is paraben free. The scent for this one was lighter and more sweet. A honey can be smelled as well. It was soft as well, and worked really well through my hair. I did not notice anything different in my hair after styling, but it could take a few washes to notice if its strengthening your hair. My hair smelled wonderful throughout the day though, witch is was I always want!

The Coconut Oil and Cocoa Butter shampoo and conditioner claims to tame and control frizzy hair... which is what I need most out of my shampoo and conditioner!! As with the other varieties it is also made with a natural blend and is paraben free. This one had my favorite scent of the three with a cocoa butter scent that just smelled so clean. It was easy to use, easy to rinse, and my hair was easy to style... As the day went on I did notice that my hair stayed more in place and frizzed a little less than average. The cocoa butter scent also stayed throughout the day, and my hair was silky smooth. This was my favorite variety out of the three!!

All of them were great, and offered different solutions to common problems... So they're perfect for everyone! All of them are all natural, which is an even greater bonus! I would recommend them to everyone, no matter what hair type or problem you have! 

Life.

Do you ever have those days when life just decides to be a jerk?
Today is one of those days for me...
This morning I woke up with the flu, or something... I couldn't keep anything down, not even water. Being 21 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I was worried about not eating... so I kept trying, same result. I feel lousy, can't eat or drink, house chores are not getting done... I hate it.
Isaac is being so helpful. He rubs my back and tells me its okay. I wish it was that easy. Just thinking that it will be okay... I don't think I have ever felt that way.
For those that don't know... I have been struggling a lot with depression and severe anxiety for years... and its worse while I'm pregnant since I cannot take all my medicines. Its hard, so hard sometimes... and because of the anxiety, I feel like this is a weakness that disappoints everyone.
Im sitting here with Isaac on the couch, and I just start bawling. I'm sick, so I didn't do my job of making the house spotless. I look like crap. I'm having round ligament pain... Its just a toxic mix at the moment.
Sitting here, thoughts are crossing my mind... I'm not good enough, I don't do enough, I don't want to deal with all that's going on right now with my ex in court, I have an appointment on Friday that my social anxiety is having a hard time dealing with. Ugh. My head thinks too much.
My emotions are crazy. I think of the most random things, and they bother me for days.
I've been thinking about the past, and all the dumb mistakes I've made, and all the dumb stuff that has happened. People hurt me, I'm sure I hurt people... honestly it tears me up constantly. Depression is a funny thing, because you never forget about anything. It eats you alive, and never stops. I remember everything, I have secrets, I have apologies. I crave apologies from others, and can't just let things go. Forgive and Forget? HA. I wish.
I miss having friends, but all this makes it hard to have them... When I'm around others, the social anxiety and self consciousness kicks in, and I'm just silent.... so silent. I promise its not being rude, I am scared to talk, scared i'll make a fool out of myself, which I do anyway by not talking. I try to be up for anything, and kind to everyone, and many times this gets me into hot water. I just can't think rationally when I'm around others who I am not comfortable with. I have the best of intentions, It just never comes off that way.
I have two people in this Life, who will always be there and that I trust. J and I. Other than them, I trust no one, don't count on anyone, don't talk to anyone. And the worst part of this, is that I know its my fault, and I screwed my life up.
My short life has been plagued by abuse, addiction, eating disorders, and self harm.... None of this can compare to the pain and sadness depression brings. It's so hard, and sometimes I don't know what to do....

Where Have I Been!?

Hola Everyone!

   I havent been on in a while!! I just wanted to give ya'll an update... and I promise to be posting more, and getting back to blogging!!

   Biggest Update? I am currently 20 weeks pregnant with a little girl!!! He name is Brieah Paige, Brie for short. Its been an interesting pregnancy so far! Totally different than my pregnancy with Isaac.... I knew I was having a girl right away because the morning sickness was so different. I was much sicker this time, and still am! I randomly have sick spells still in my 20 week. My blood pressure is perfect so far this pregnancy, but by this time with Isaac I was doubling blood pressure medication.... Its still amazing to me that I am going to have a daughter. I cant even image a little girl. I am so excited to experience raising a little lady.

  I am currently going back to court with Isaac's father... rules were broken, promises broken... time to stand up again....

  I am finally getting back into my blogging and online stuff after taking a break. With being sick, finding out I was pregnant, court issues.... I needed a break :) I'm back now, and ready to go!! :)