Oh Brain.... how I love you....
Especially my pregnant brain....
That is currently an emotional wreck from decreasing and increasing anti-depressants....
And that is overflowing with anxiety because I'm about to push out a baby...
Am I ready?
Can I handle it?
Why am I so mean?
Am I a bad mom?
Why do I feel like I am, and that I am doing everything wrong?
Am I a failure? People have babies and have other kids all the time and seem to handle it....
Why is basically every word that comes out of my mouth bitchy?
Is it because I'm moody, or am I just a bad bitchy person?
Why does my heart hurt?
These are just some of the questions that run through my mind daily.... I just can't win. When I think I finally got a handle on things, BAM. I get slapped with reality. Especially right now, I'm in a boxing match with myself... and feel like I'm getting knocked out. I'm sad because I'm sad. I'm worried because how much can other people handle me, when I cant handle myself. My worst fear is everyone leaving... and I'm feeling like I'm forcing it to eventually happen. I'm frustrated because I can't do everything normally. I can't function it seems like... I'm tired, I'm huge... I;m disappointed in myself because I should be sucking it up, and dealing with it. I alone am making all this chaos and emotions come out. I'm sorry because I upset everyone... Even if you don't show it, I feel it. I know... and I'm sorry.
Should I just act like everything is okay? I feel like its just the same old story over and over... How much is too much? Get over it right? I know, I know... Why whine and cry about it over and over. This is what I tell myself every time. So why can't I stop? Its a never ending story with my mind giving me all the wrong answers.
My brain is such a big ball of mess.... and its hurting.... hurting so bad. All I can think of saying is I'm sorry. I don;t really know how else to explain it, or handle it, I just.. I just have no idea.
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