Life.

Do you ever have those days when life just decides to be a jerk?
Today is one of those days for me...
This morning I woke up with the flu, or something... I couldn't keep anything down, not even water. Being 21 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I was worried about not eating... so I kept trying, same result. I feel lousy, can't eat or drink, house chores are not getting done... I hate it.
Isaac is being so helpful. He rubs my back and tells me its okay. I wish it was that easy. Just thinking that it will be okay... I don't think I have ever felt that way.
For those that don't know... I have been struggling a lot with depression and severe anxiety for years... and its worse while I'm pregnant since I cannot take all my medicines. Its hard, so hard sometimes... and because of the anxiety, I feel like this is a weakness that disappoints everyone.
Im sitting here with Isaac on the couch, and I just start bawling. I'm sick, so I didn't do my job of making the house spotless. I look like crap. I'm having round ligament pain... Its just a toxic mix at the moment.
Sitting here, thoughts are crossing my mind... I'm not good enough, I don't do enough, I don't want to deal with all that's going on right now with my ex in court, I have an appointment on Friday that my social anxiety is having a hard time dealing with. Ugh. My head thinks too much.
My emotions are crazy. I think of the most random things, and they bother me for days.
I've been thinking about the past, and all the dumb mistakes I've made, and all the dumb stuff that has happened. People hurt me, I'm sure I hurt people... honestly it tears me up constantly. Depression is a funny thing, because you never forget about anything. It eats you alive, and never stops. I remember everything, I have secrets, I have apologies. I crave apologies from others, and can't just let things go. Forgive and Forget? HA. I wish.
I miss having friends, but all this makes it hard to have them... When I'm around others, the social anxiety and self consciousness kicks in, and I'm just silent.... so silent. I promise its not being rude, I am scared to talk, scared i'll make a fool out of myself, which I do anyway by not talking. I try to be up for anything, and kind to everyone, and many times this gets me into hot water. I just can't think rationally when I'm around others who I am not comfortable with. I have the best of intentions, It just never comes off that way.
I have two people in this Life, who will always be there and that I trust. J and I. Other than them, I trust no one, don't count on anyone, don't talk to anyone. And the worst part of this, is that I know its my fault, and I screwed my life up.
My short life has been plagued by abuse, addiction, eating disorders, and self harm.... None of this can compare to the pain and sadness depression brings. It's so hard, and sometimes I don't know what to do....